Moose Fur

They better hurry up and perfect instant hair transplants, because I grow tired of this nest of birds. I’m actually surprised to wake up each morning and find that there isn’t a family of birds who’ve taken up residence in that tangled mane, because my hair in the morning would make for a decent Halloween costume. I could try that one year, you know. Just show up at a party with my natural bed hair and scare all the kiddies.

It’d just be nice to have manageable hair without having to import hair products from Alaska, where they’re presumably brewed with moose and bear fur to make your hair resistant to the elements. I’ve been to plenty of hair salons open for bookings in the Melbourne CBD, and they’ve given me some great advice, but science can only do so much. Until it finally picks up its socks and invents an easy treatment wherein you can just swap your hair with someone else’s. Like, you go along to a hair salon, a helmet slides down onto your head, and you walk out maybe…ten minutes later? New head of hair, a new person in general.

Now, this might be the jealous side coming out, but I’d love to be able to swap hair with people as well. Every time someone has told me ‘just blow dry it in the direction you want it to be and you’ll be fine!’, I’ll smile through my gritted teeth and wish to high heaven that we could swap hair for a day, Freaky Friday style, and have misadventures with hilarious hi-jinks that’ll help us to understand one another. Except it’ll just be them, understanding me, while I have a great time with their perfectly straight hair.

Just you wait. Soon every single hair studio in Melbourne will have it as a service, and we’ll be a more compassionate city, understanding the struggles of those of us born with scraggly hair.