Self-Diagnostic Genius

Currently there are well over a billion cars in the world, which is pretty much all the justification I needed to launch an evil plot to give them all brains and turn them into an unstoppable metal army with which to conquer the world.

Okay, so it didn’t quite work out exactly as planned. I turned on my Car-i-Tron Transceiver Device, expecting my army to obey my commands, and all that happened was that a few Toyota Corollas in the local era got stuck on Smooth FM for a few hours. And I do like Smooth FM, so that’s some sort of progress. Anyway, I’m stuck in a lab under 24-hour guard helping to make car servicing in Caulfield more efficient for everyone, while wondering where it all went wrong.

Well, with the Car-i-Tron, obviously. But at least my genius automobile knowledge is being acknowledged, even if my innovations are all now attributed to the government. But one day…

I had thought that the servicing of cars would be more efficient if you were able to chat to them, like patients with the doctor. Cars have simple brains, but there is intelligence there nonetheless. That’s why all those Corollas switched to my favourite channel: it was them saying ‘we are ready to receive orders from you, our master’. Imagine if you could take your car in for servicing and ask how it was doing, and it would switch to playing some intense Bon Jovi, indicating that it was having engine troubles.

Actually, these would be standard car servicing garages. Elwood has a nice one I could co-opt. In any case, the cars will be playing a lot of the Spice Girls, to indicate that they suffer from extreme jealousy and inadequacy issues. Music will be the great unifier of all things human and car. And when my plan is complete and all cars bend to my will, our anthem of victory will be the only appropriate song: ‘She’s a Maniac’ by Flashdance.