I knew I shouldn’t have hired these ducks. They’re just about the worst employees I’ve ever had. Lately, I’ve been having some issues with my garden, and frankly, I can’t be bothered mowing every few days. I’d read online that ducks can actually be great for this because they help maintain your lawn by eating grass and weeds. Great, I thought, I’ll buy a bunch of baby ducks and put them to work. But they don’t work at all. No, these ducks are much smarter than I thought. They slack off all day with the video game console and old tv that I threw out years ago. Never before in my life have I been so frustrated with someone or someones in my employ. Now I’m going around asking people: how do I terminate a casual employee? And no, I don’t mean fire them. I’m going to terminate, or rather, exterminate them. These ducks have got to go.
I’ve tried to get rid of them the nice way. I gave them written warnings followed by notices of termination, but they won’t leave. I’d hoped they would keep pests away from my garden, but now they are the pests. Yesterday, I brought a baseball bat around to try some intimidation. It didn’t work. The ducks attacked me with sudden and unstoppable fury, karate-chopping with their little wings. It didn’t hurt, but it was just so adorable that I couldn’t bring myself to stack whacking them. I’m thinking maybe I should rig the television to explode the next time they turn it on, so I don’t have to be there when their employment is terminated.
I went to a place that offers HR consulting for Melbourne businesses, and they suggested that exterminating the little ducks was not the best idea. However, they did admit that this was a special circumstance, given ducks generally don’t have the right to work in Australia. So, I might be able to find some sort of loophole around that fact. One way or another, though, I’m going to get rid of these ducks.